Those of you among my reading audience who are frail of heart or who are disturbed by vivid descriptions of supernatural events involving the ghosts of smelly insane murderers, talk show host phantoms and gay wedding planner apparitions may want to skip this article. Fair warning to all – It is my intention to use the razor sharp writing skills and clever literary techniques that we professional writers have been given by the divine grace of God to scare the poop out of you. What you are about to read may alter your perception of reality or at the very least force you to sleep with a kitten on your head. Here are true ghost stories that are so horrific that I urge all of you not to eat your fingers off (or other body appendages) in pure terror as these tales unfold before your unbelieving eyes. Read on if you dare!
The Flatulent Ghost of Piggly Manor
In the small village of Eddington, England, there is a stately manor home that sits atop a small hill surrounded by grey, treeless moors. Or perhaps the manor home sits Betrayal sorrow grief loss sacrifice upon a grey tree in a small moor, surrounded by a stately hill – I get confused that way sometimes. Either way I expect you to cooperate in your reading and imagine the scene as quite dreary and unsettling. This imposing estate has the aristocratic name of Piggly Manor. Overnight guests at this manor have reported many frightening encounters with a apparition so vile and so unbearable to witness that many guests doubt their sanity after their encounter. These guests have all become the disgusted victims of The Flatulent Ghost of Piggly Manor.
Guests to the manor home report being on the verge of sleep, when suddenly a foul odor roughly equivalent in power to the combined farts of 25 gaseous bulldogs fills the room. After initially blaming and pushing their innocent spouses out of the bed, the guests are startled to see an eerie light begin to fill the room. The bewildered guests then hear the unmistakable sounds of footsteps and butt toots coming up the deserted hallway to their room door. Suddenly the door is thrown open and “It” enters the room.
Peering out from under their bedcovers, manor guests report seeing a grossly overweight English gentleman in a dressing gown, float through the door to their room holding a candle and a copy of the London Times under his arm. The portly apparition hurries to the bathroom while emitting loud and noxious flatulence, pulls up his dressing gown and sits down on the porcelain throne – without even having the common decency to close the door. He begins to read a news story in the London Times describing a postman who humorously delivered mail to a haberdashery in Darby that was meant to be sent to the Queen. The ghost begins to laugh fiendishly at the delightfully funny story. To the horror of the disbelieving witnesses, the huge ghost next proceeds to engage in a series of bathroom waste elimination processes that assault their senses in every way possible.